We understand why sex toys can be a bit of a taboo topic, considering some in the past have a been a mix of comical errors and horror shows. Here are 5 of the worst sex toy ideas in history, and our alternatives for them.
1 Please don't send in the clowns.
This is a clown vibrator, in case you weren't sure. You remove its cute little hat to use it. What concerns me is that most of us consider clowns nightmare fuel. Even more worrisome, what about little Tommy finding it and running around crying because the evil clown toy started moving and making a rattling noise at him. Now it’s in the drawer and won't stop, and you stare at the nightstand at 3 AM, more terrified than Tommy was. But it makes a great gag gift, we suppose? Make sure you reserve it for someone you hate though - we’re all about sex positivity around here and crying at the sound of a vibrator isn't the Pavlovian response we’re going for!
Try instead: Rianne-S Heart Vibrator- Let's use something a little more universally appreciated and not as frightening as that clown. This heart vibrator is discreet and adorable. It’s even been featured in Cosmo! Show your love for your partner by gifting them this cute symbol of love and lust instead of a scary clown that may cause a heart attack and definitely get pants out on faster than you can scream RUN.
2 I mean I guess it's better than crabs. Maybe?
We won't confess how long we stared at this, horrified yet intrigued and impressed with the detail. It’s definitely kitschy and interesting, but the creep factor is too much. The scorpion is made of rubber, so it wiggles everywhere. Sounds nice, looks scary! Fortunately, this product was discontinued but now how will I get its coffin storage tin, so convenient for subtle hiding of suspicious items in my nightstand?
Try instead: Passion Pals Diving Dolphin - If you're into kitsch with your kink but not down with inserting scorpions into yourself, this dolphin vibrator is all kinds of adorable and great for anyone regardless of experience. And it's not scary - it's cute! The dolphin stimulates the clitoris and the LED lights are there just because - it makes the experience more fun! Maybe that's what the scorpion was missing?
3 For the girl who always wanted to be a (inflatable) mermaid
If you ever wanted to make a mermaid porno, this could be it. But maybe not, since there's no access to anything under the tail. None at all. Not to mention, this toy is an inflatable and already contains a human in it, so you might not pop anything but the tail. But hey, if you have wanted to be with a half-human half-fish creature, you might be able to try it. It appears that the original site may have discontinued it, however. Gee I wonder why?
Try instead: Unicorn Tails Buttplug- Okay, I’d be lying if I said I don't think this is weird. But in terms of cheeky, kitschy, and girly costumes for sex play, this one beats the impenetrable mermaid-bubble fortress for actual usage and as a gag or novelty gift it wins too - the mermaid tail will sit in a box on a shelf until spring cleaning when the recipient realizes it's junk that takes up space, but then she’ll be too ashamed to donate it and be stick forever and bam, friendship ruined. She’ll be 89 years old and refuse to die because her grandchildren will be the ones to clean out her house and that's what they'll find, and she can't have that. In contrast, the unicorn butt plug is giggle-worthy and fits in the nightstand, and it may even get used for sex play. Enjoy the magic of your partner and a unicorn at the same time. The wearer gets to feel the effects of using a plug, while their partner enjoys the visuals. This toy is perfect for introducing costumes into your routine, or just trying something new.
4 It's a baaaaaad idea, okay?
As you can see, this is an inflatable sheep costume - but there's much more to it. The wool on the body is completely removable, and reveals a great pair of sheep tits. It doesn't get much better than this, folks. How you explain this hiding in your closet when Mom finds it on a visit, I don't know but after the fact I want to hear all about it.
Try instead: Beck and Call Four Piece Maid Set- The sexy maid is one of the classic naughty adult costumes, and for good reason. This set includes just enough coverage to tease, but no more! If you are interested in using costumes, this is your go to. It even comes with a cute head piece to really tie the costume together. Nothing to explain to Mom; you've got a part-time job as a maid. Or okay, more believable - this one’s hideable. The sheep monstrosity will hang in the closet for all to see.
5 For the gay in your life who always crushed on the Swedish Chef from Sesame Street maybe
This product is an oral imitating masturbator. It’s flat-toned in color, and the mustache is already falling out in the product sale photo. I cannot imagine having to clean this thing after use. To be honest I kind of want to die.
Try instead: FiFi Male Masturbator - Amp up the quality and try this interesting masturbator. It has a very discreet design, is made of leather, and has adjustable tightness. But it doesn't end there! Everyone loves this product because of easy clean up - simply remove the inner sleeve and dispose of it, then put a new one in for your next use. This toy even naturally retains heat. No creepy look, no obvious discomfort, and easy to clean! What more could you ask for?
So, if your toy looks like it could double as a child's action figure or their Halloween costume, maybe you should avoid it. We aren't here to judge that, but maybe you should give some alternatives a try first!
Article by Sara at JOUJOU